Jesus 2001

"He’s back again, just as His henchmen and fanatical followers predicted. Yes, He’s
really here, showing His true face, the one His fans have kept disguised for so long under a martyr’s veil. And once again the brave will be needed to instruct Him, just as they were two thousand years ago.


Surprised, aren’t you!? But let’s not walk around a cooling corpse bemoaning the obvious fact that no one other than the most spoiled Son of the very richest Father
(owner of all, in fact) could afford a Porsche. He’s got it, and it’s not the only luxury item this eternally young yuppie flaunts. Well, no doubt He needs compensating for the injustice He suffered all alone on earth, when He was far from His Father’s watchful eye, and for the time some folks nailed him drunk to a bathroom door to punish him for
causing such mischief.
But how can we know about His current spending habits when all we have are old tales about His smart stunts at the dusk of primeval times? Has He risen from the anonymity of the countless representations fashioned with the brushes of thousands of fanatical painters and illustrators? Wake up! He’s among us.
I won’t keep you on tenterhooks. Jesus has His own website at www.jesus.com.
It is small wonder that domain racketeers didn’t snatch it up before He got it, because you could make a hell of a lot of money with it. The “eternal life” this rascal has been offering for centuries to His shareholders was of course the first asset He put up for auction. But as the business plan is impossible to evaluate, shares in this paradise cannot be traded.
What the website shows is that the immortal superhero has once again slipped out of His Father’s clutches. He’d been living in His room for so long that humankind had begun to idolize Him. Two thousand years after His indecent stunts in Judea, He’s portrayed on the web splashing around with naked girls in a bathtub and inviting more to join in through a digital contest entitled “Win a Bath with Jesus.”
There are two explanations for the fact that He advocates fusion with Allah on His website, drinks beer and has no qualms demonstrating His pedophile tendencies to the lovely Barbie (a photograph shows Jesus caught red-handed by supermarket security petting the fruit of children’s imagination): Either His Daddy has gone far away to create other imperfect worlds or the hooligan is really an orphan, as many idealistic skeptics claimed a hundred years ago.
It is also apparent that the Son has worked out the new market economy in no time. In fact, it’s a surprise that VISA hasn’t used Jesus on their cards yet, for today His shooing of traffickers from temples would be nothing but overlooking the log in His eye. No, He’s seen a niche, and has decided to offer His own set of credit cards. There are a variety of types and services to choose from. Depending on the agreed credit limit and interest rate, travel insurance and discounts in associated companies, the cards range from your basic Classic Jesus through hip middle class Cool Jesus and executive Miracle Jesus, with a measure of free indulgence every month, to Sensual Jesus, aimed at the most extravagant and perverse oddballs. Naturally, each card bears an image of Jesus, the depiction suited to what the given card allows its holder. The Sensual Jesus card shows Him taking a bath.
History has documented what a bad philosopher Jesus was. More than anything it is the story of the horrible tragedies His teachings brought about. But He hasn’t given up. Once again He offers several social-political reflections on the real meaning of Easter, the death penalty, modern confusion, pop culture and the Kurt Cobain generation. As usual it is a shameful ejaculation, but no doubt it will give rise to the Newer Testament. There will always be a sufficient number of forlorn wasters to follow His freakish
teachings, drunkenly stumbling in the footsteps of the Master in the hope they can achieve martyrdom.
This is the first time, however, that Jesus has walked the thin ice of testing a new discipline He has no experience with, as far as we know: music. And the Internet — the new medium — has allowed Him to present His work as performed by the composer, Himself. I dare not judge His musical compositions in any strict fashion, as the scope of readers’ patience might be wide enough to allow admiration of these sentimental and depressing preludes. However I can say that this is not industrial experiment, and nor is it the rhythmic essence of pulsing noise; He aspires in His music toward the classical.
Judging from the press coverage and the photographs sent to Jesus by His female admirers, He’s behaving like an experienced movie star, having found His turf in PR campaigns promoting His excesses. Just like any star, Jesus needs the kind of scandal that will heighten His popularity: One extreme example has one of His female fans fornicating with a statue of the crucified savior. He should watch out for puritans, though, to be sure they don’t nail Him to a door again.
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01.03.2001